LipstickStains

Being 23, I grew up almost entirely in the age of social media. I got my first phone at 12 or 13 and was on all social media platforms shortly thereafter.

I quite literally grew up online, some might even say, chronically. I didn’t have many friends during this time and was being slightly bullied at my new school, so I watched a lot of YouTube and lived through Pinterest images. I started with an interest in beauty gurus and eventually found my core group of vloggers I would frequently watch. But, being a child, I was still naive, and I didn’t know people would prey on that.

I would watch video after video of women in their early to mid-20s “get up and get ready for high school”. They were wearing clothes that didn’t look right on my underdeveloped body. I’d watch morning routines and night routines, all containing products my parents couldn’t afford and shows I wasn’t allowed to watch (I could write an entire rant on Pretty Little Liars, as much as I love it). Ultimately, they were telling me I had to be what they were to be “cool” or even to be liked.

But I wasn’t liked, and since I didn’t have these things, I figured their reasons must be why.

I felt ashamed for not being like Kylie Jenner, and I thought that if I achieved the material aspects, friends might follow. But, I never achieved that, and because I had access to anyone I cared to see, it no longer mattered that I had 3 good friends, because I didn’t get hundreds or thousands of Instagram likes (or even like 10). I felt like the relationships around me weren’t enough, and I wasn’t enough because I wasn’t getting interaction or views. I was never just in competition with Olivia in my middle school class; I was in competition with everyone in the world.

In high school, I thought about content almost constantly. I’d do themes on my Instagram, I’d do photoshoots, and I would promptly get overwhelmed and ghost for an amount of time.

And to be clear, I was, and still am, a nobody. I had no need to put any pressure on what I was posting or how my life looked to everyone else. I just thought that if I looked cool, I would eventually be cool.

Eventually, trying to keep up and compete became exhausting, and for a long time, I had all social media deleted. It was no longer a love-hate relationship; it only ever made me hate myself, and I was sick of giving people the power to do that.

At first, I felt free, then I felt bored. I’d find myself reaching for my phone only to find I didn’t actually have anything to do on it. I ended up downloading some games so that I could have entertainment when needed.

I pretty quickly felt out of touch. It was frequent that I’d be talking to someone who would reference a meme that I wouldn’t get. The first few times this happened, I felt a little stupid and like I was missing out on something fun, but I started to realize just how fleeting viral videos and memes are. It doesn’t really matter if you miss something because everyone is already on to the next thing. I would occasionally get people who would be like–

“You didn’t see that?!”

*shocked*

But then I got to be like–

“I’m not on social media…”

*better than them*

I found that without social media, I was less stressed on a day-to-day basis, and I felt less socially anxious overall. I spent more time outside and experiencing my life. I felt bored and found ways of entertaining myself, I made friends, and frequently ventured outside my comfort zone. I was no longer performing; I was just living. I no longer felt like I was competing in a race; I was just another person in the world.

I did eventually get back on social media.

Not TikTok, and I refuse to ever redownload it, but I’m on Instagram and was even on Facebook briefly. Even with just those, all of those feelings I once freed myself from came back in an instant. The algorithm was pulling me in, and I allowed it.

I started to feel worthless and stressed, and I was constantly comparing myself to others again, and truthfully, those feelings haven’t stopped. I feel as though I need to pump out content to please an audience that doesn’t exist, to just prove that I’m doing ok. But I am doing ok, and I’ve posted nothing to prove it, and I’m still doing ok.

I’m probably going to delete social media again, and I’ll probably redownload it again, because that’s the cycle. And to be clear, I don’t blame anyone for this, I don’t think that big tech had it out for my 12-year-old brain, and I don’t think my parents did a bad thing by doing what everyone else was doing by giving their kid a phone. However, I do think it’s really fucking weird that those adults pretended to be children in order to tell me how to be a “successful” and often “hot” child, but that’s more of a moral stance than a social media take. I don’t think that getting rid of social media is the cure, but I don’t think it’s healthy to do nothing about an obsession with others.

So, it has to be managed. I don’t post when I feel like I need to. I take frequent breaks, and I prioritize contact with people I actually know. I do my best not to aimlessly scroll, and I remind myself that this isn’t about me.