LipstickStains

This Fathers day has brought up some pretty weird emotions. I’ve been trying to make a better effort with my family; talking to them more, spending time with them where I can, and overall interacting more with them. I knew I wanted to do a dinner with my parents and my partners to celebrate the day.

To be honest, the day didn’t feel like a celebration. I didn’t see a reason to celebrate. Sure, my dad was there and relatively nice when I was younger but as I got older he started taking steps back and generally ignored me. I really try not to take this too personally now. I understand that he wasn’t properly medicated and neither was I, not to mention I was naturally beginning to grow out of my environment. But, regardless, my dad didn’t take time to understand me.

I think he’s putting in effort now. I mean he’s a former Baptist pastor going out to fathers day dinner with his queer/poly daughter and her partners. He’s trying very hard. I know that. But I still don’t really feel like he likes me, like spending time with me isn’t something he necessarily finds important or valuable. He tends to watch me the way I used to stare at quizzes I hadn’t studied for in school; in total disbelief that he could know so little about something.

I want to try and be normal with my family, poly relationship or not, I want them to see that I’m still me. I think my dad is getting there, but i think he missed out on a lot of me becoming who I am, I’m not sure if he regrets that or if he feels like he dodged a lot of stress.

So, I don’t know if my dad likes me, I don’t know if he had fun tonight, I don’t know if he’s proud of me, but I do know that he loves me. And honestly, that’s good enough for me.