LipstickStains

I can’t help but feel like I’m missing out on a life experience by not having a group of girlfriends in my early twenties. I don’t know if it’s my recent watching of “Sex and the City” or reading through “Valley of the Dolls” but I’m coming to the conclusion that the group of girl-friends used to be a common occurrence; but in the age of online connection, is it becoming an outdated practice? And if so, is our generation truly a bunch of loners or are we actually lonely with false connections?

I frequently see girls, (including some I knew personally growing up), posting pictures of their travels on social media and it’s getting more and more frequent that I see them alone. Now, solo-traveling has always been around but it’s starting to feel like it’s becoming the norm. What has our generation so stuck to ourselves or inside? Many people may jump to phones, as if removing cell phones will solve all social problems. While I believe phones do disconnect us, I don’t believe they are the reason we can’t seem to develop new friendships— or relationships for that matter. Personally, I believe it all stems from anxiety. As read in “The Hill”, over 60% of gen-z reportedly suffers from social anxiety (including myself).

So, what do we do?

We do it scared: simpler said than done, but it is still simple. I was constantly stopping myself from living my life and having new experiences because of fear: of what people might think, of being “too much”, and fear of simply being perceived. Once I learned how to control that fear (because it’ll probably never be silenced) living my life became both easier and more enjoyable.

The first time I ever did anything scared; I was horrified. I was going to my first ever kink event… ALONE. I was petrified. Now, fear not, this was a very casual, more social focused event, at a public bar. Less whips and chains and more swingers and “unicorn hunters”. Sounds simple, but I had never been to this specific bar before. I didn’t know anyone there. I didn’t have anyone with me, and I couldn’t even take the edge off with a drink because I was driving. My anxiety riddled brain decided these things were cause for life or death concern. I was sobbing on my bed minutes before I left my house. I don’t know how I didn’t puke on the drive there. Once I parked I seriously considered running away to my girlfriend’s bar, (an environment I knew much better), but I forced myself to stay. “Just a few minutes.” I told myself, “Just enough time to say I did it.” Of course, it wasn’t as scary as I had expected (it never is). As a matter of fact, it wasn’t scary at all. I sat quietly at a table, read the book I was grateful I brought (I think it was, “The Bell Jar” if you were curious) and stumbled awkwardly through being poorly flirted with. I definitely wouldn’t say I’d go back to this particular event; but only to escape the boredom, not the fear.

I do something, roughly, once a week that causes me anxiety. It’s not always “sobbing on my bed” level fear but I am constantly living outside of my comfort zone. Recently, when I have experienced something that caused me to be anxious I ended up not only being fearless (iykyk) but I’ve actually had a lot of fun. I have fallen in love with going to the club; I love the music, the lights, dancing, and the people which is funny because those were the exact things I had anxiety about. You will absolutely not catch me on the dancefloor, it’s always either too empty or too crowded. You will, however, find me and my girlfriend throwing ass at our man’s table. And while at the stripclub, as the men around me wait for their “preferred flavor”, I’ll be cheering for the girls on the stage like I was pole-dancing’s biggest fan. I do things that scare me, but I do them my way, not how I would be expected to do them. I have learned that instead of fearing standing out in a crowd, it is easier to own the space you take up in the crowd, and eventually, you will create your own crowd, friends, and support system. In order for us to make true, deep connections, we must first overcome our fear of being judged or ridiculed. Life is pretty fun when your fear has no control over your experience.